A Short Dwell in the Past: Understanding Who I Am From Where I Came

Let me start off by prefacing two things:

1. Reflecting on how you were raised is a great component to understanding your personality, character traits, emotions, strengths, weaknesses, etc.

However…

2. It is entirely your responsibility to overcome, manage, grow, and change any part of you that may have been deeply affected and it is not an excuse or a reason to treat people poorly or be a negative Nancy in this life.

The Part of Me I’m Most Proud of…

Ironically enough, the parts of me I am proud of the most are the pieces of me that grew from the “not so great” moments in life.

Spending most of my teenage years and early twenties defending my family against a manipulative, narcissistic father, was incredibly draining. At one point in time, him and I full on fist fought in the living room. And I won’t lie, throwing a punch finally felt pretty damn good.

I was the one person that was never afraid to push back towards him. I was never afraid to stand up to him, to speak out against him, to call him out and hold him accountable for the shit he did. I was the “bitch” of the family. But frankly, that’s still very much so who I am today- and I love it.

I love the part of me that demands the respect I deserve. I love the part of me that is so incredibly confident in my worth. I love the part of me that does not allow other people to mistreat me. I love the part of me that does not back down and holds others accountable. I love the bad ass, don’t give a shit, go for it confidence that I gained from it all.

Was Also the Part of Me I Hated Most.

The (lack of) skills I learned to be who I am were far from ideal. My form of communication was aggressive. My stubbornness was through the roof. I wanted to yell in your face and argue until you heard me. I was right and there was no telling me otherwise. My defensive wall was sky high. And unfortunately, that’s what guarding yourself from a manipulative person does to you and your emotions. And I carried that sort of reactive response with me. For a long time.

Until I realized how damaging and toxic it was to the relationships around me. Hard take, and I know you don’t want to hear it, but we’re ALL toxic in our own ways. It’s your responsibility to figure yours out and work on it.

So through therapy, I learned better communication skills. I learned to remain calm during conversations. I learned to actively listen and hold space for another’s perspective and feelings. I learned when it was important to speak up and when it’s not worth my energy or time- which was a big one for me, because everything felt like it needed to be addressed after growing up on a constant defense. I learned how to approach conversations and not be so abrasive. I learned when to let go of things for my own well being and when to walk out of rooms that weren’t meant for me. And most importantly, I learned not to take shit personally.

Now I learned all of these things, but in no way am I perfect with them. I slip up from time to time and make my fair share of mistakes. I forget to remain calm in the heat of a moment and stay far too long in rooms that aren’t welcoming me. But what I have learned in time is how to be humble enough to acknowledge my faults, hold myself accountable, and apologize.

Moving Ahead: Why I Don’t Dwell in the Past

I could have chosen to live the rest of my life lashing out at people. I could have lived the rest of my life entirely defensive, taking every last little thing personally. I could have lacked accountability and blamed everyone else for my reactions. I could have gone balls to the wall every time I confronted someone. I could have easily blamed it on “how I grew up.” But I chose not to. I chose to take life into my own hands and recognize the things about me that needed to change.

Although this entire post was all about diving into your past to better understand yourself, you have to do that and move on! Dwelling in the past absolutely HINDERS your present and future. Staying in a place in the past does you absolutely no good. You remain the same person with the same energy. And that’s something I refuse to do for my life. Let go of the resentment you’re holding on to. Let go of the hatred. Let go of the grudges. Let go of the blame. Let go of the excuses. You are more than capable of forgiving and overcoming any hardships and I’m telling you, it’s the best thing you could do for yourself!