If there is one thing we have learned the fourth time around postpartum, it’s this: we struggle in the intimacy department. Really by we, I mean, me. And I am A-OK sharing this side because I know I am not alone.
The Inner Self-Doubt Postpartum
Let’s just skim over the obvious parts, shall we: utter and extreme exhaustion from a baby that won’t sleep. Tata’s that are leaking every which way. Subsequent children touching you all day long, leading to you feeling touched out. Your hormones taking, generally speaking, 3-6 months to level themselves back out. The list goes on.
So many changes happen in such a quick amount of time to a woman’s body, it’s no wonder that it takes just as long (if not longer!) to feel like yourself again. You gain a crazy amount of weight, your hormones skyrocket, and even after birth, your body is used for comfort or feeding or both! For a good while post-birth, your body is not yours. All of those physical changes take time to dissipate and although your baby makes every ounce of it worth it, you still feel a bit foreign in this new body.
Despite having four babies, it has happened every single time. I feel uncomfortable. I feel gross. I feel disconnected from myself sexually. And ultimately, I feel anything but sexy. And none of those feelings makes for a healthy sex life.
Breastfeeding and Your Libido
After feeling so lost in postpartum after our first baby, I did a ton of reading about “what was wrong with me.” Yes, I probably even Googled that exact sentence at some point. But what I did find answered a ton of my issues almost immediately: breastfeeding will decrease your libido.
I have been fortunate enough to nurse all of our babies through the first year (Sadie, pending. But so far so good!). The first 7-8 months post-birth is when we have noticed our intimate life being the biggest challenge. And sure enough, what I found is, the hormones needed to breastfeed actually lower the hormones needed for a sex drive.
Bingo. A lot made sense in that alone. So many other contributing factors in postpartum can also decrease your libido: irregular or unreturned period cycles, dryness and discomfort (the amount of times I have compared moments to a rug burn 😮💨). You can read more here because I’m no doctor 😂, but I do know I have experienced every last thing on that article’s list!
Damage to Your Relationship
It wasn’t always easy for us to get on the same page postpartum. In the past, we had found ourselves in the thick of resentment. We had found ourselves not understanding one another’s needs. And I must say, some of the most damaging things during this time can result from a lack of support:
- Taking your partners rejection personally– making their denial about you and not their physiological state.
- Not allowing your partner to rest and refuel.
- Putting pressure on your partner to show up in ways they are unready to.
- Not finding a middle ground to satisfy both partner’s needs.
- Forgetting to cater to your emotional connection, first.
It’s important to remain a unified team during this time because a lowered physical connection can often lead to a lowered emotional connection. And the combination of those two can put your relationship in a threatening place. Communicating your needs and communicating your differences at this time is impactful on your relationship.
Getting On The Same Page
The biggest advice I can offer is making sure you have a very honest conversation with your partner about all of the things you may be experiencing. Much of what you are going through is likely due to your body’s crazy changes. It’s important to share those and it’s equally important for your partner to hold space for them. Often times, the support in that fourth trimester is most crucial.
As much as I would talk about these things with Phil, I also found it just as helpful to send him articles I was reading to better understand myself. Then, I knew we were both consuming the same information about the challenges we were equally facing.
Luckily for me, by the fourth time around, Phil has done the work to understand what I am going through and move with patience as I adjust back to “normal.” We have had the (not so comfortable at times) conversations about all that I am experiencing. And he has given space for those feelings to exist. He understands that rejection during this time often happens more frequently than it would otherwise- making sure to not take it personally (which he would argue is the biggest challenge). He understands that I need him to carry our intimate life on his back for a while, as I tend to the baby’s needs first. He gives me the space to rest, take breaks away from the kids, and allows me time to decompress when it is needed.
Although we aren’t where we’d love to be, we also know this is a fleeting season we are in. Openly communicating through it is what makes it easier on both of us. We keep our focus on our communication and our emotional connection during this time to keep our relationship strong.
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