I wish I had some expert advice here, and while I can definitely shed some light into what we learned in our nearly 2 years of therapy together, I can’t ever say I’ll be perfect at any this. Relationships require a lot of work and constant growth and adapting. Almost everybody becomes a different person at some point in their life- through experiences, changes, growth, etc. So it’s only fair to expect your relationship to go through adjustments many, many times as well (this includes your friendships, too!).
When Phil and I first started dating, he was not used to communicating as much as I was. Every confrontation was an “argument” to him. He’d constantly tell me he never argued with any of his exes as much as he had with me. I felt like I was constantly reframing his thinking- arguing isn’t bad if you are doing it right. I’d constantly remind him that communicating and confrontation are not negative things. I come from a family that over-communicates. We share too much sometimes and we’re also not intimidated by difficult conversations. We’re able to address issues, apologize, and move forward with one another. Whereas Phil, words straight from himself, comes from a family that sweeps a lot of conversations under the rug and difficult conversations are very much avoided.
Going through couple’s therapy was one of the best decisions Phil and I could have ever done for ourselves. Clearly, our communication styles and experiences were extremely different. We truly gained such a deeper connection with one another that has allowed us to have the strongest and most supportive relationship we’ve ever had. We still argue! That will always happen. Arguments and disagreements are going to come about in our relationship for the rest of time. But how we navigate through them or how we catch them before they become a larger tension point is crucial.
So today, I’m giving some small insight into our top 5 takeaways from couples therapy! These four things were absolute game changers in our relationship.
Putting Down Defensive Walls
I think one of the most common problems in relationships is the defensiveness that arises when issues present themselves. It can become so defeating and difficult when the same person over and over again feels like they are criticizing or attacking you. And suddenly you forget that you are playing for the same team. Learning to put down our defense, and instead, actively listen to one another, re-learning to not take things personally, is so much easier said than done.
Today, being able to bring up tensions or issues, knowing that there isn’t an argument waiting on the other end is such a breath of fresh air. Knowing that we’ve learned (through a LOT of practice) that we can simply talk, listen, and hear one another, agree or disagree, and move forward without anyone feeling down about themselves is huge.
The Power in Apologies
Phil and I are both incredibly stubborn people. Prior to therapy, I would feel incredibly misunderstood and not heard by Phil at times. Which would lead to a build up of resentment and me flat out refusing to apologize. He would apologize after a few days but the issues at hand would be tabled, never to be discussed again. And ultimately, we’d both be left feeling like shit. Nobody wants to be arguing with their significant other, let alone not speaking.
Learning the power in apologizing with genuine intention. Learning to revisit difficult conversations, hearing one another, and truly forgiving one another for the greater good of our relationship was so powerful. Truly reflecting on the humility that goes behind an apology and giving your partner the grace they deserve when they’ve messed up is so important. And moving on! If apologies have been made and accepted, you cannot bring an instance back up. Your apologies are your agreement in moving forward with understanding and forgiveness.
The Importance in Circling Back
A pattern Phil and I got majorly caught in was after an argument, we’d never come back to the issue at hand. We’d never revisit the topic when our thoughts were more clear, our feelings were less intense, and when we were both in a calmer state. We’d leave arguments left where they were and move on. Ultimately, it would leave both of us feeling unheard and unvalidated.
Through therapy we learned how impactful it is to circle back to a disagreement or argument. Coming back to, communicating and never leaving a topic unaddressed was so important in ensuring both of us felt seen and heard within our relationship. Despite how uncomfortable the topic may be or how distressful the original conversation was, it’s so important to come back to a conversation if things weren’t able to be worked through the first time. We learned that Phil is much more likely to need a break or time to process during a difficult conversation. And while in the past he would shut down and apologize four days later, never to talk about the issue again, he has learned to simply express that he needs to table the conversation and come back to it. I, on the other hand, will talk all night and day about an issue, through the tension, through the emotions, until the problem feels “solved“.
Listening without Problem Solving
Learning to listen without problem solving. Now this one may sound like, duh, hello! But for us, especially for Phil, this was not easy. I am a very emotional talker. I have to talk out all of my feelings and emotions, and I have to do so 78 times until they are out of my system (thank you to my friends that listen to my same bullshit over and over again). Phil is a problem solver by nature. If you go to him and start talking, he is thinking of all of the ways to help you out of your problem. So, at times, I would feel like he wasn’t even listening to me. He was just listening to find me a solution. I wasn’t always looking for advice or needing a solution to my problem. I was just simply needing to offload. He would critique what I was saying, dive way too deep into my thoughts, and it would drive me INSANE!
The truth is, not all problems have or need a solution. Some issues are better left where they are. Some issues are unsolvable or feel like the “right” solution does not exist. Or sometimes, you already know the solution, but feel like you need to talk it through with someone else.
So after a lot of sessions, Phil finally started to understand me and my very emotional self much more. And now, when I talk or vent, if he’s confused and needing clarity, he will simply ask me if I am looking for advice. Or he will preface his unsolicited advice with saying, “I am not problem solving here, and you can do with this as you please, but maybe this would help you feel better.” He still can’t always help himself, lol, but he at least has thrown out his expectation of me needing to hear and use his advice.
Accepting Rejection
Lastly, accepting rejection. This one was so difficult for us for a long time. Despite being in a relationship for nearly 13 years and being married for almost 9, rejection still occurs within our relationship. Whether that be intimately, not seeing eye to eye on a given topic, not wanting to sit down and watch the same tv show together at night- rejection still happens. And rejection easily leads to resentment and a huge emotional disconnect. When you’ve been rejected one too many times, you ultimately shut down. You begin to feel a lowered self-esteem and your confidence takes a hit- suddenly, you’re not asking to watch that tv show together.
But ultimately, you have to learn how to be okay with being rejected in your relationship. And more importantly, you have to practice that rejection. You have to be rejected and learn to still try again. The feelings, the stressors, the emotions that may have caused your partner to deny you one day may not exist the next. This all goes back to not taking everything personally and remembering you are on the same team. This one really dragged us both out of our comfort zones, but it made the such a difference in our ability to deeply connect and understand one another.
And there you have it, our top 5 takeaways from couples therapy that we truly use, if not on a daily basis, most definitely weekly. Our relationship has come a long way.
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