When they say “communication is key,” they really mean communication is KEY. And let me be the first to tell you, communication can get lost quickly in the midst of life taking place. A growing family, a growing you, your communication needs are constantly shifting. How you and your partner communicated at the start of your relationship is nowhere near the same as you do 12 years later, three kids deep. Take it from us. We’re a year a half into couples therapy and I don’t think there is anything better we could have done for our communication.
We still have fun together, travel together, respect one another as individuals outside of our relationship, find a balance to ensuring we both get to do the things we love to do, we laugh together, we both care for the kids equally (as much as those Mommy hip-huggers will allow)…but you know what sucked? Our communication and delegation of tasks. I constantly felt overloaded with all of the household tasks and when I communicated that, Phil felt critiqued, not good enough, and attacked. So now what? Where do we go?
The Art of Delegation in Relationships
I’m a “do-it-myself” kind of person and often times, my own pride and ego get in my way of asking for help. But in the last few years of therapy, I have learned the importance of needing to ask for help and delegate tasks off of my plate so keep my mental load somewhat sane. When you aren’t asking or getting the help you need, resentment builds, burnout shows up, and that annoying tally list against your partner begins to lengthen. None of it is healthy or productive in your relationship.
It’s important to know one another’s strengths and weaknesses and use them when delegating household tasks. It’s trusting that one or the other will complete the task without mentally leaning on the other person too much.
Twelve years in, Phil and I certainly know where one another’s strengths and weaknesses lie when it comes to running a household. For example, a well-known fact about Phil is he is an absolute perfectionist—in all the best, yet annoying, ways. Don’t start asking Phil to clean off the countertops or fold the laundry. It will easily take him over an hour. Because if I’m not watching him, I will find him re-buffing the counters and making sure the clothes are folded perfectly symmetrical. But give him the tasks like taking out the garbage, emptying the dishwasher, washing the laundry and we’re good.
Asking him to do those other tasks just leads to frustration on both of our ends. He loathes doing it and I loathe how long it takes him to do it. Simply communicating that feeling and why we do not want to tackle certain tasks is so important. And let’s face it, nobody ACTUALLY wants to maintain and clean a home. But we have to. So sometimes it means picking up the shittiest of tasks because your partner has difficulty executing in that department.
Mastering Communication
Expressing your needs clearly and respectfully in a relationship is so important. Communication doesn’t mean agreeing on everything. But it does mean hearing your partner, validating their needs, and finding a way to provide what they need that feels comfortable for you both.
The biggest issue we had in our relationship (and I would bet many have) is becoming defensive when communicating. Instantly, one or the other felt attacked or unappreciated when communication would occur, and we immediately found ourselves in a court room. Debating against one another, one having to have the stronger argument, and a winner needing to come out of it. ALL WRONG.
Believe it or not, listening becomes the most effective tool in communication. And often times, we truly aren’t taught to actively listen. We are taught to listen and obey or to listen and react. We aren’t taught to truly listen with a clear mind, with no intention to react afterwards. We struggle to listen without defense. The moment you begin practicing active listening with your partner, the quicker you will see your communication take a turn.
I know, for us, nine times out of ten, my emotional self just wants to be heard and validated. I need no action change or Phil to do much more than simply telling me he understands what I am saying. And when he does, I move on in the blink of an eye. It really is just feeling heard by your partner, having your feelings validated, with empathy and understanding. And these are now skills that I apply to all of my relationships—with family, friends, my children. It’s important and the most vital way you can show others that you genuinely care about them.
Putting It All Together
The best advice in making these changes in your relationship is like everything else: just start. Start talking to one another, vulnerably, and let your defense go.
When we started to rebuild our communication through therapy, our therapist would tell us, “prepare to get rejected by one another.” And boy, did we!
It’s difficult to break old habits and patterns, and just because you are committed to doing so together, doesn’t mean it will look the same all the time. Especially not at first.
The moment one of us would use the effective communication skills therapy gave us without the other using active listening, we wanted to shut down immediately. A feeling of rejection would overcome you. But we had to remind ourselves that we were denying one another out of old habits and it was going to take time to rebuild a healthy form of communication.
Today, I don’t know that we have many “arguments” because things don’t ever get that far. We have plenty of disagreements and plenty of frustrations. Shit, on a weekly basis we disagree and get frustrated. But overall, the moment we communicate that with one another, we really make a conscious effort to respectfully hear and validate one another. And if changes are needed, we come up with what that looks like together.
We aren’t perfect. But we really have found the importance of delegating tasks to eliminate resentment and using effective communication in our relationship. And those are easily any relationships biggest downfalls. The next time your partner comes to you with a heavy weight of emotions and frustrations, instead of reacting, try a simple response. Listen to everything they have to say and give a simple, “I hear you, I’m sorry,” or a “I can understand that. I will work on that,” and watch where it gets you. There’s no need to respond back to a statement they made, or defend your case, you’ll find yourself in a cycle of tit for tat. Just listen and validate. I can promise you’ll see a HUGE difference.
Wanting to know more about Phil and I’s journey through therapy together? Who else has attended couples therapy? What did you feel benefitted you and your partner most? Tell me in my DMs! Follow along at @kait_ejensen on Instagram.
