First and foremost, couple’s therapy has the most NEGATIVE connotation to it. So let me clear the air. Phil and I did not make this leap to salvage our marriage, nor were we moments from throwing in the towel. If you are using couples therapy as a last-ditch effort to save your relationship, you are truly underutilizing one of the most impactful resources your relationship has access to. Were we struggling in areas? Yup! Did moments feel like we were hanging on by threads? Also, yes!
Over the last year and a half, Phil and I have been in weekly couple’s therapy and truly have no desire to stop any time soon. When Phil and I got married, I was a young 23-years-old. To expect that our relationship would see no changes would be absurd to believe. Myself alone was bound to change from 23, to now, 31. My needs, my goals, my priorities, my personality, my confidence…everything about me was going to change in that time, same as Phil.
If you are doing life right, you are constantly evolving and changing, and the most detrimental thing you could do in your relationship is not accept the change and evolve together.
After doing weekly therapy of my own for nearly two years, my personal growth was throwing Phil for a loop. And throwing me on a path that felt opposite from Phil’s. It was me that suggested we attend couple’s therapy as a way to make sure our paths stayed aligned with one another—after all, that is the key to growing alongside one another. So here is OUR take on what couple’s therapy has done for us, how we got there, and how we have no plans of quitting it even after the last year and a half.
Taking The Leap
What were the pivotal moments that led you to believe that couples therapy might be beneficial for us?
Kait: Through my own individual therapy, I learned I was simply juggling way too much on my plate. I was in a constant state of burnout, running on pure exhaustion. Yet, asking for more help unloading my plate or asking Phil to take on more of my role felt confusing and off balance for both of us. I struggled with letting go of the control and trusting he could do what I needed him to, and he struggled with how to go about doing what I asked of him.
When we would communicate through those needs, it led to an argument each time. One or the other felt misunderstood and unappreciated. It led to more stress and frustration, building resentment, and it was a place neither of us wanted to continue to be in.
Describe your initial reservations or hopes about couples therapy. How did you come to agree that it was the right step?
Phil: Initially, I was completely against therapy. For the longest time, I didn’t think our problems were that serious and thought they were issues we could fix on our own. I felt that it meant we had some serious problems that would eventually lead to us separating (when, in reality, therapy is for the opposite of that). I fell victim to the negative stigma that therapy often encompasses. I was embarrassed to tell anyone I was doing it. I really didn’t have any initial hopes other than I hoped we would sort out our differences, and it would be over quick (lol).
I only started to agree that therapy was the correct step in strengthening our marriage after many months (I can’t remember exactly how many). A lot of this was due to the fact that the first few months were tough pills to swallow. It was frustrating, and essentially, the first time I had ever tapped into so many different emotions in such a short period of time.
Our Expectations and Surprises Along the Way
What were your expectations going into counseling? Any surprises—good or bad—that you encountered?
Kait: Having already gone through two years of weekly therapy of my own, I had high hopes and expectations that therapy was only going to benefit us. However, the first handful of sessions were ROUGH. We were blunt, we both felt attacked at times (although, Phil definitely felt this one more—kudos to him for sticking it out despite it!), it sometimes felt like we were going nowhere. For a short minute, I thought, “maybe this wasn’t my best idea yet.”
How has your perspective on our relationship changed during our sessions?
Phil: Our relationship has gone from being weak, feeling like it was hanging by threads, to solid and the ultimately, the foundation of our family. I see our relationship as being 10x stronger than it ever has been in the past – even during our “honeymoon” phase in the very beginning. We’re more emotionally connected, we communicate and find ourselves having more random conversations, and we genuinely listen to one another, not just talk!
The Mechanics of Therapy
Describe a particular session that was especially impactful for you. What was discussed? What insights emerged?
Kait: I think one of our most impactful sessions were early on. The discussion was simply that I felt spread too thin—but so did Phil. Phil was struggling to understand the mental load that I bared that he simply wasn’t. And he was left feeling attacked, backed into a corner, left to defend himself, all the things. Phil shut down and said nothing the entire session. That week had been a very difficult conversation which led us to not speaking for nearly three days. The following week when we had come back to the same conversation, Phil was much more willing to share out and also listen. And while this was one of our most challenging sessions, Phil’s willingness to come back, less defensive, and open to sharing his thoughts gave me so much hope that we would eventually move in the right direction.
What tools or exercises have you been introduced to have you found the most effective and/or the most challenging?
Phil: I think the process of going to therapy in general has been most effective in our relationship. Dedicating the time to actually dig deep and let out feelings and emotions that have been bottled up for (sometimes) years has been crucial.
The most challenging part has been breaking old habits and practicing new ways of communicating. I feel like I had to re-learn how to communicate effectively, and with communication already being such a difficult skill to practice, this was no easy task. It’s been extremely difficult at times to find the right words to convey properly what I’m actually feeling/thinking. You don’t realize how much of a challenge, simply TALKING actually is until you’re put to the test.
Breakthrough Moments
Share a breakthrough moment during therapy when you felt a significant shift in our relationship.
Kait: While we’ve had many moments in therapy that feel good, I really think it’s the work after our sessions that feel more like breakthroughs. Our therapist challenged us to speak our frustrations immediately, in the same day, and be open to hearing them and validating them. She also prepped us to feel rejected by the other at times, because this new sense of communicating would take practice and time. I remember the first time we did this and it worked. We were both frustrated at a situation, waited until the kids went to bed, and talked out our frustrations in our room. We both said what we felt, accepted what one or the other had to say, and simply moved on. When we went back to therapy the next week, we were like proud, kids excited to tell our parent how well things went. It was such a deep moment of connection for us, we laughed at how silly our excitement over it felt, but also acknowledged how good it felt.
Describe a session where you felt we really made progress and/or had a particularly hard time. What was the issue and how was it resolved?
Phil: There were sessions where I found myself completely shutting down, feeling sorry for myself, teamed up on, etc. Kait and our therapist were always supportive during those times and allowed me time to process what was happening. Sometimes, it would take me a day or two to snap out of it and reflect on what was said – what I needed to work on. One of the most challenging things I struggled with before and during therapy was just to HEAR what Kait had to say, WITHOUT feeling like I always had to provide an answer or solution. I learned that to be an effective communicator, you don’t always have to say the right things. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is let your partner know that you hear them and try to demonstrate your understanding of the issue at hand.
The Personal Impact
How has couples counseling personally changed you or your approach to our relationship?
Kait: My patience. I was very quick to react and get frustrated when Phil would not understand my point of view, what I was sharing, what I needed, etc. Quick! To! React! Even early on in our therapy I was frustrated that the tools weren’t sinking in as quickly for him. Our therapist had to keep reminding me to be patient, that many of these things were new and we were learning on different curves. Now, I am much less reactive. We really lean more into simply sharing our frustrations, validating them, and moving on. Ultimately, somethings we cannot control. We cannot control all of our set plans, our busy calendar, our lack of time, and while those things can be frustrating and stressful, simply just expressing that has become enough.
What are some personal revelations or growth you have experienced as a result of our counseling sessions?
Phil: Grown emotionally 10x! I no longer feel like the immature guy that’s 10 years behind his partner…maybe only 2 or 3 years now 😂
Our Relationship Now
Where does our relationship stand today compared to before counseling? What are the most noticeable changes?
Kait: The way we manage stress and chaos. That alone was killing us. The stress and chaos of raising a family at times, all while struggling to balance our personal lives and our life together, would weigh on us like a ton of bricks. We did not communicate through stress well AT ALL. It was immediately reactive tones, jabs, irritation which only leads to more stress. The way we now work through stressful situations and times is largely different and has truly brought the most to our relationship.
What do you appreciate most about our relationship post-therapy sessions?
Phil: Our ability to lean on one another more than we did before – and I do mean MORE! Listening, understanding, communicating at higher levels than we ever have before. Our relationship feels wholesome, genuine, REAL! What you see is what we are. There was a lot of grinning and bearing before – now, that’s rare!
Our Advice to Other Couples
What would you say to couples who might be hesitant about couples therapy?
Kait: Just give it a try! It’s not failure. It’s actually the opposite. It’s an hour a week that is specifically dedicated for you two. A dedicated moment for you to talk, connect, and strengthen your relationship with one another. Sometimes, Phil and I barely have anything to talk about and it feels like we’re just chatting with another friend. We talk about what vacations we’re looking forward to, what the weekend ahead looks like, funny moments that happened with our kids…let go of the thought that it’s an hour talking strictly about feelings. It’s far from! I can promise you.
What are the key takeaways you would want to share with couples considering therapy?
Phil: Therapy has been an eye-opener and truly amazing experience (I’m not getting paid to say this, I swear). The whole negative stigma of divorce, breaking up, etc., is only the fear of those who have never tried it or watched too many movies 😂. I’m a firm believer that the divorce percentage would drop quite a bit if couples gave it a shot (and this is coming from a guy who resisted it with the best of them). It may not be easy at first, but if you weather the storm, you’ll get through it!
I have said since I became a teenager, communication will always be one of those things that no individual will ever perfect. It is, however, one of the few skills you can build on every day. Therapy strengthened our communication skills tenfold. I like to talk, Kait likes to talk, but sometimes, all we need to do is listen.
Give It a Go!
Couples therapy truly has been the most rewarding investment we have made for our family. We have strengthened our communication, deepened our connection to one another, and truly are able to move through stressors in life so much easier than before.
I’m curious! How many other couples have given couples/marriage therapy a go? How has it impacted your relationship overall? If you haven’t, what’s stopping you? Share in the comments below! And as always, follow along on IG for more insight on marriage, parenting, business, and life! @kait_ejensen
