Five Months of Sadie, Five Months Postpartum

For Starters, Sadie

I am in complete denial that five months have flown by as quickly as they have. We simply have the sweetest little girl and the last five months have been so surreal.

Sadie is giving us a run for our money, for sure! She said, “I’m the last? I’ll throw you for a loop real quick.” An update on her sleep: she has been evicted from our bedroom. All our others were sleeping through the night by 4 months and were promoted to their cribs. Not Sadie. Homegirl got EVICTED. She outgrew that bassinet before she could figure out the nighttime sleep. She is also rolling, so she needs the room to continue sleeping safely. She’s waking once a night to feed, so we’re working on weaning that last feed.

She learned to roll from her back to her belly, but still cannot roll from belly to back (she went ahead and did that backwards on us). She’s taking 3 good naps in her crib throughout the day and is on a very routined schedule, which is definitely making things feel easier and more manageable. She loves playing on the floor and talking to all of us. She smiles as long as she’s well fed and well slept. But those giggles she is sparingly giving us (I guess we aren’t as funny as we all thought we were). She LOVES her stuffed flamingo, her eyes light up when she sees it. We’re all just as obsessed with her as ever.

Secondly, Me

Now to get to the vulnerable stuff. The stuff I feel is important to share because in no way is life picture perfect every single day.

With my third pregnancy, I experienced a lot of disassociation and bouts of depression about 5-6 months postpartum (please check in with yourself, postpartum depression can occur up to a year after childbirth). And this time around, I could feel a lot of emotions beginning to stir up this past month. Most days, I feel well and fine. But there have been days I have experienced bouts of crying, feelings of disassociation, and overall an unhappiness within myself. I know these feelings are temporary and I know that they are a mixture of hormone imbalances, a lack of sleep, and not doing enough for my own self-care. And I also know many Moms can relate to them.

The best way I explained things to Phil: I have spent the past five months either not getting myself dressed and ready, or when I do, I cannot fit into my clothes. And the clothes I can fit into, I cannot wear half of the time because my choices revolve around breastfeeding. Somebody is constantly touching me, feeding on me, my body is everyone else’s but my own. I feel far from attractive or sexy on a daily basis, my confidence takes quite a hit during this time. I barely sleep. I am constantly tired and low on energy, but expected to still show up and perform when called on. And on a daily basis I am problem solving for everyone, while internally shoving all of my problems to the side. Because as a Mom, everyone else’s problems quickly become your own, and quickly take precedence. The intrusive thoughts are stronger than ever and I experience immense anxiety, a tightness in my throat and an inability to take a breath, at least once a day. I feel so far removed from myself.

I’m exhausted. I want a break, but I don’t want to miss a single moment. I want to take time for myself, but stress out about missing a single feeding. I want to prioritize working out and feeling good within my own body again, but I desperately just want to sleep. I don’t want anyone touching me, but I also want my kids cuddling up with me.

I share this because I’ve talked to many of my Mom friends. We share many of these feelings. And as a fourth time Mom, I’m so much more prepared for all of this to happen. It doesn’t make it easier, but I know what to expect and why. I’m better equipped to manage them. I feel comfortable calling a doctor or therapist when things feel unmanageable. But as a first time Mom, I was ill prepared. I felt alone in many of the thoughts and feelings I had experienced. I didn’t know how to navigate them. I didn’t know what I needed in order to work through them or how to express those needs. And I felt misunderstood. Postpartum is truly a wild experience. And if you’re in it, know you aren’t alone. Believe me.