Playing On the Same Team: The Importance of Individuality in Marriage

Everyone talks about your partner needing to be your best friend. To remember to do things together, have fun together, experience life together. But what about those moments you need for just you? How important are those?

I remember just before getting married, someone said to me, “are you sure you’re ready to get married? You know this means you both come together as one.” If there was ever a time I wanted to vomit over someone’s words, it was then. Become ONE? What does that even mean? Lose who I am and merge into some singular form of two people? Absolutely not. Never happening. Not here.

Do I believe you join the same team? One thousand percent. But become one? Never. I’d actually argue everyone does the exact opposite. What brought you both together, your interests, your personalities, your humor, your hobbies, shouldn’t go anywhere. It’s what makes both of you who you are. Maintaining a sense of individuality in marriage is essential for a healthy relationship.

Defining Individuality Within Marriage

In the context of a relationship, individuality is the ability to respectfully maintain, support, and develop personal interests, pursuits, and opinions. And if anyone is a walking product of this, it is certainly Phil and I. And when I tell you we’ve been judged hard for it, BOY, have we been judged HARD. But at the end of the day, we’re going to do what we’re going to do. We know we are super independent individuals. We enjoy our time apart just as much as we enjoy our time together. We enjoy allowing one another to do the things they desire to do without blocking them to some capacity. And the last thing we ever want is to force or guilt one or the other into doing something they have no desire to do.

Many inaccurate statements like “couples should do everything together” or “having different interests is a sign of weakness” are thrown around and I couldn’t feel these are further from the truth. In fact, if I did everything together with Phil he would drive me absolutely insane. While I do think having something in common or some similar interest that you can share together is important, it’s also not a sign of weakness to have a shallow list of those.

Challenges to Individuality in Marriage

It can be a challenge to have so many different passions or interests within a marriage. There is a lot of understanding, communication, and give-and-take that is required to balance it all. Guilt becomes present when your partner really wants you to do something that you have no interest in doing. Jealousy when one partner’s interests/hobbies are getting more time than your own. Resentment when your partner does not understand or support your need for time alone.

A deep connection and respect for one another is truly needed to keep individuality at a high within your marriage. Communicating the help you need and sometimes, the help you’ll give in return, is a great way in helping your partner see the balance. Explaining what your interest brings to you personally is also helpful when expressing that need to your partner. Perhaps your interest or hobby brings you a creative outlet, eliminates your stress, helps you reset and refuel, whatever it may be, expressing that is helpful in building support and respect for one another.

Fostering Individuality

Overall, the desire to see your partner happy and be who they are, must hold value within your marriage. And to do so without guilt, jealousy, or resentment, the feeling must be mutually shared. We discover our own sense of confidence when we find hobbies and interests we enjoy and when we make the time to enjoy them. It eliminates those feelings of: seeking approval, external validation, competition, jealousy- all of which can be so damaging, not just to your relationship with your partner, but your relationship with yourself.

A Short Glimpse of Our Top Interests

As you can see, our together list is truly not that massive. But it isn’t because we don’t enjoy the things that the other does- they just may not necessarily be “our thing.” Not our first choice of activity. Phil would much rather lounge on the couch watching football then walk around the mall all day long. But would he come with if I really wanted him to? Absolutely.

That’s where respectfully supporting one another’s personal interests comes to light. Phil’s softball evenings- in no way, shape, or form do I want to play on a co-ed team with him. Nope. No, thank you. I also don’t want to go watch his games and chase our kids around the dirt, asking for a night full of baths when we get home. But will I do it from time to time? Yes.

Respectfully supporting one another through those personal interests and opinions is huge in nurturing a strong, healthy marriage. We can only fuel our relationships and be happy together when we feel respected and cared for as the individual we are first and foremost.

A Candid Dose of Honesty

Because all too often I am asked why we do so much, why I don’t tell Phil no, or I get the judgement statements on how much we do separately. And here is my overall thought. The only way Phil is going to be happy with me (or anyone! if it wasn’t me he was with), is if he is happy first himself. Does Phil playing softball three nights a week make me roll my eyes so far to the back of my head they may get stuck there? YUP! Do I cringe a little every time he reminds me of his game? Also, yes. Does that mean I’m stuck on solo bedtime routine three nights a week? Uh-huh.

But does Phil enjoy playing? Yeah. Does he enjoy seeing those three different crowds of friends? Yup. Do the kids enjoy going to the park to watch him? Yes. Is it keeping Phil active and healthy? Also, yes. So, can I stick it out for a few months for all of those positives and a happy husband? Absolutely.

Tell me!! How do you maintain a sense of individuality in your relationship? What do you do for yourself that brings you some happiness?