I have been an over-communicator my entire life. What can I say? I have the gift to gab. But truthfully, over the years, I have certainly had to learn to tone it done. If I didn’t like the way your tone sounded, I was telling you. If I didn’t like the way you handled a situation, you were hearing my opinion. You did something differently than how I would have, let me tell you how to do that right the next time. Chew your cereal too loudly (*cough* Philip *cough*), I’m not only letting you know how much it annoys me, but you can also find yourself a different room to eat in.
Sometimes over-communicating just made me a bitch. And that’s the truth. I had to really learn when speaking up was appropriate. I had to learn when my communication, or expression of every literal thought, feeling, or opinion I possessed, would be hurting the receiving party. I had to learn delivery, which I am still far from perfect at. I had to learn that other people’s ability to communicate may not match mine.
Communication is Key
We hear this phrase constantly! But there is a lot of truth to it. Communication in your relationships is key. Being able to freely express your feelings, emotions, and thoughts to someone, in a safe space, without judgement, is key. Being heard and having your emotions validated, (not necessarily agreed with, those are two different things) is key. When you are committed to spending your life with one person, it is absolutely crucial that you have a safe place to DUMP. And vice versa. It’s important for your person to have that safe space. Committing to understanding one another, allowing space for one another to feel and to feel differently at times, but providing that is key to a healthy and successful relationship.
But what about friendships? For whatever reason, we tend to bring those communication skills into our relationship with our lifelong partners, but do not view those skills as being vital in our friendships. We’re quick to forgive our partners, but not friends. We’re quick to hear and validate our partners feelings, but not friends. We’re quick to understand our partners emotions, but not friends. And it’s CRAZY to me! Somehow our friendships become disposable in the face of miscommunication, while a little signed paper makes your partner a forced reconcile. Luckily, I am blessed with some of the most rock solid friendships where we have very open lines of communication. Where we’ve had hard conversations, uncomfortable conversations, and we’ve made it through. But I’ve also lost many friendships due to a weak communication game.
Where Communication Was In Fact, Key.
One of my absolute best of girlfriends and I have the strongest communication skills- quite possibly up there with my marriage. She was the person I called months before I got married and said if I call you with cold feet, remind me to go through with it. She’s the person I call when I have the most outrageous of feelings and have to bitch about the same scenario for the 976th time just to work through my emotions. She is the least judgmental individual and everyone needs a friend like her in their life. She holds space for all of my crazy thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and absolutely laughs at me when they are out of line and ridiculous, but still tells me it’s okay that I have them. She keeps me grounded.
But I’ll never forget when I was pregnant with our first son, we began planning my baby shower and I sent out all of the invites. Weeks went by and she was a ghosted RSVP- we had heard nothing from her. The shower came and went and still I heard nothing. I was hurt, but figured at some point it would come up. She must have had a reason or maybe we really weren’t as close as I felt we were. We went to dinner together the following week and we awkwardly talked over the elephant in the room for a good while. Finally, my girlfriend spoke up and stated that she was hurt she never got an invite. In that moment, I realized I had sent her invitation to an old mailing address and it all made sense. I profusely apologized for the mistake, which she graciously accepted. We held space for one another’s feelings and, mainly, my big time mistake. We really can’t recount the exact details of this incident as of today because it’s been long forgiven. But man, was that a royal F-up on my part.
But it’s small moments like this that I have watched friendships crumble over. Instead of communicating, assumptions are made. Instead of sharing any hurt feelings, it’s held in until resentment builds. The smallest bits of communication truly go the longest way. And somehow, we know that to be true in our romantic relationships, but do not hold the same to be try in our friendships.
Knowing What You Need in Friendships
Being the over-communicator that I am, I do know that I require a very deep connection in my friendships. I am an open book. I over-share. I over-think. I over-opinionate. But I also need that same level of vulnerability in return. I want the reciprocal sharing of feelings and emotions. I want to know what is hurting my friend. I want to know how they view different situations. I want their opinions. And without that depth, I can struggle to maintain a friendship.
Being an over-communicator, I also know that I will talk about everything that bothers me. When things begin to build, I will express if someone hurt me. I will express if I felt something was unfair or if I felt mistreated. If I am NOT communicating with you, that is your sign that IDGAF. But, if I am communicating in one way or another, you can almost bet that it is because I care. I care enough to nurture the relationship, whether it is a one off or a broken mess. If I am communicating, I care.
The hardest lesson I am coming to terms with now is allowing my communication to be left unanswered. And when that happens, to simply move on. Because I am an over-communicator, I will communicate until things are fixed. I will try over and over and over again. But I’m really learning to be okay with my communication sitting and going nowhere. I mean, hey, I may just be someone else’s IDGAF and I guess that works, too.
Tell me! Are you a communicator? Or do you avoid communication and conversation at all costs? If so, why? What makes it so difficult or nerve-wracking for you?
